Finding Stacy

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Dear Soon to be ex husband

A letter to my husband. William Jamal Nelson

Dear Jamie,

It absolutely blows my mind the person you have become. The person I met October 1999 was a kindhearted, selfless, determined, and who loved life. The person you became has confused everyone. You will make sure your way is gotten no matter who you step over, even your own mother. Your children love the ground you walk on, especially your son, even to the point where as a mother, I'm not even respected. You wouldn't know that feeling because you swoop in for a couple of hours, quarterly and play daddy dearest. But it is I that holds heads when you leave, answering questions about why you're not here, when are you coming. You don't even call, but will post from your phone all day that you're bored on different social medias. You'll text me and ask about them, and by them I mean Goose only, when you need to find something out from me. By the way, you have 2 children. Maybe you don't even realize that you rarely acknowledge Ciara's existence.

Now there's no bitterness on my part. Just anger. The whirlwind of emotions you cause your son to go through comes out at me and I am powerless. I just stand confused sometimes because I look at you and it's like staring into the eyes of a stranger, not the man I knew. I gain strength in knowing we were almost homeless. You had already moved on in your life and had no plans of looking back. You aren't even paying child support anymore, so for the 8th month in a row, my daughter is not home because I can't afford to put her in daycare and have no one that can watch her. But do you care? No. I'm borrowing money from people to take care of these children to provide their basic needs such as clothes, food, school activites, and even sometimes bills. I'm the one sacrificing and missing days for them. I put off my entire life and at the age of 28 I am starting over and you have the fucking audacity to say you gave me your GI Bill as a favor? To benift and better my life? Man mother fuck you. I sacrifice EVERYTHING for you, and if you think you will walk this earth believing that everything you have even accomplished was not for the support and love your family, and by family I mean me and your children, gave you and the sacrifices we gave, then good luck, lets see how you flourish now that I could give 2 shits and a half a fuck, thanks to my new payload. But I do however thank you, because I recognize bullshit in it's tracks now and I am smart enough not to ever make the same mistakes (you or your bullshit) again. I have my confidence back, no one is constantly badgering me, lying to me, disrespecting me (in all ways), and ignoring me as if I don't even exist.

Eventually these kids will forget about you. I can't wait for that day. Then the emotional turmoil will stop and maybe my children will respect me and love me the way they love you. Till then, I have a lot of work to do.

Enjoy your life, I wish you well.

Stacy Nelson

To sum up the emotions in me....WOW. Part I

Currently listening to: Lil Wayne ":Drop the World" (sorry guilty pleasure) and Adele "Rollin in the Deep"
And I don't mean WOW in a good way.
This is going to be a multi-series. First I'll start with the background, or basis so to speak. Then I'll dig deeper.

Yep, you guessed it, still going through hell and back, inside and out. I'm debating on making this post known or just a venting session for me.

I am a parent. A parent of a 3 year old little girl, I'll call Turkey (thanksgiving birthday) and a 7 year old boy, I'll call Goose (christmas birthday). Yes, not only did I manage to have kids on leap years (2004 & 2008) , but I managed to have them on holidays. I sure don't enjoy holiday shopping because I have to squeeze in birthdays as well.

We will start at the top. Monkey is a 1st grader at Pine Grove Elementary School (RCSD1) in Columbia, SC. He started their midway through preschool, transferring from North Charleston Elementary School in North Charleston, SC (who, through unknown criteria, was voted the 93rd worst school in the US) due to the family (myself, Goose, and Monkey moving due to my pending divorce from my husband of at the time, 6 years. Key operative is pending). Kindergarten, he missed alot days, a total of 36 days due to his asthma that basically went untreated for 5 years (Thank you, Tricare providers). This school, about half of that with 18. In kindergarten, we began to notice some problems, with concentration and retention of information. To shed a little background, I was that naive person that didn't believe that ADD existed. I scoffed (not out loud) when people talked about it and their medicinal regimines. I thought people used it as an excuse. Ok, back on track. After the constant pressuring of my mother, I talked to his teacher about the possibility. She said no. Let us know that it seems to be laziness on his part (this is true. he has a tendancy to be lazy until it revolves around what he wants....a habit he unfortunately got honestly from his dad). As he moved into 1st and continued pressure from my mom, I pressed the same question again. Same traits from kindergarten, no concentration and no retention of information. The missed days from kindergarten were rearing their ugly heads. On top of it all, he seems to have a speech develeopmental issues (due to undiagnosed enlarged tonsills that blocked 75% of his air way). The teacher recommended getting him seen by a pediatrician due to the fact that we had two settings of the same behavior, home and school. His pediatrician gave me the Vanderbilt forms to fill out, as well as his teacher. We then set a appointment and his forms were scored by their answers. The results were exactly what I feared, the diagnosis for ADD was set and entered into the system. He was then prescribed Concerta-27mg (extended release tabs) and Klonidine for help with sleeping (which he doesn't have an issue with, so he's never taken it). He had a 30 day follow-up appointment set. Not too much improvement. Still incredibly antsy. Result of the follow-up? Increase the medicine to 36mg. Began to see a small difference, but I misplaced the medicine and he missed 2 days of it. Now it's almost like I am back at square one.

On Monkey's first report card, it was mentioned that due to his issues in class, he is facing possible retention. I hate to admit, but right now, half way into the school year, I do not think he is ready for 2nd grade and it breaks my heart. Usually, the 7 year old in first grade gets look at only kind of funny because he stayed back once, even when its the case of a late birthday (like him). But if he is retained, he will turn 8 in the 1st grade and to peers, it'll appear that he has stayed back two times. My frustration plays to the front a lot with everything because homework is more than normal, everyday life, even more than a chore. It's an ordeal. He doesn't want to do it. He doesn't want to sit still, he doesn't want to read or learn. I get frustrated because he is extremely smart. But, as stated in kindergarten, lazy. It has taken up to 6 hours to do just 3 worksheets. Simple worksheets. This is everyday. The ripple effect caused? Any hopes of time management are thrown off. Exhaustion on everyone. Not to mention I have a second child. Sometimes the homework time is moved later due to other obligations, such as my job, I play piano for my church, so I have rehearsals on Tuesdays evening.

I feel like I am losing control over everything. Maybe it's because o the amount of other stressors I have, I may have run out of other emotions to show, so the only one left is the feeling of failure. I feel as if I am failing as a mother. Everyone can tell me not to worry and give me all the tips in the world to try but I can't shake the feeling in me. I can't but worry when I see the news of the kids, particularly on medications such as Concerta, I worry about suicide. These babies at ages of 9 and 10 hanging themselves and what not. All kinds of thoughts run through my head.

I'm just venting, not looking for any advice. I'll continue to find ways to make sure that everything goes the way it should, even if it's to anyone's chargrin.

Thanks for reading!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Things on my chest

There is a lot on my chest. I'm just gonna list them in no particular order

one, I swear to goodness I don't want to hear you, yes you, complain about being bored. I wish I was.

two, I have never been so financially insecure in my entire life.

three, I have never been as dissatisfied with my job as I am now.

four, I realize the security of the military life. I am amazed how much harder the world is without military spouse preference and an abundance of jobs on base

five, I am amazed by how shitty the state of SC is, economy wise.

six, I need a degree to work in a call center? In SC? C'Mon Son!!!!!

seven, i'm so glad I have finally reached a point in my life where my heart is healed.

eight, I hate that even though my heart is healed, i still question the past, present, and future.

nine, I sometimes doubt my parenting. I sometimes question what I do and are my kids really happy with this new life they are living.

ten, I can not trust majority of the people around me. i feel that at a given chance, i'll be betrayed in a way that not only affects me but my children as well. trust, it's already happened twice.

eleven, I will take my life and experiences and use them to move foward and build my strength

twelve, I have great friends

thirteen, I am ready to move on from my marriage.

fourteen, I really want to move away from SC

fifteen, this is all

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Emotions

I'm just sitting here thinking. How nice it is to be with someone. Emotionally attached.
I have a person who is my best friend. I spend everyday with him and the more I spend the deeper i feel. It's almost like he fills the void that I was missing for so long and I can't get enough. I had tons of feelings back in the day for him but was too scared to speak up due to a fear of rejection. Now that I'm almost 30 and have a true understanding of what love is, I think I'm falling in love with him. Anywhoo.....I miss being in love with some who is in love with me. I missing being emotionally attached to someone. Crazy part is said friend is so close to me and i spend and value the time spent so much that i almost don't want to be in a relationship with anyone else because i enjoy spending that much time, however if i had to choose i'd want it to be that person.... There is just nothing spending with someone that is full of life and love. i love when he holds me. even the slightest touch makes my skin crawl and my butterflies turn. The ringtone in my phone for him says:
All alone with you makes the butterflies in me arise. slowly we make love and the earth rotates to our dictate. slowly we make love-----Terrance Trent D'Arby "sign your name" so i'm very conflicted.

on a side note, a side note of digressing, i truly miss being committed to someone. I miss being married. Just not the person i was married to. the person i was married to in 2010 when i left was not the person i was married to in 2003 nor the person i met in 1999. most heartbreaking thing ever to give my all to someone and receive an ass to kiss. nothing worse than being discounted. nothing worse than doing things from your heart and being told they mean nothing. so i'm done with that chapter in life. don't get me wrong, i love him. he was my first in everything however i am able to past the firsts & move on to a love that i deserve and desire. I don't ask for much. I ask for an equal love. unconditional love. I miss being held and kissed. I'm sweet and funny. Smart and Loving. Maybe one day i'll get it :) I'm praying for it.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Marilyn Monroe Quotes

I truly think that Marilyn Monroe was beyond her years though she lived a troubled life. I'm going to copy and paste some of her quotes just for fun.
Marilyn Monrow Quotes

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: best , life , love , mistakes , out-of-control , truth , worst

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: monroe

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

— Marilyn Monroe (Marilyn: Her Life in Her Own Words)

tags: be-yourself , inspirational

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: ability

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: love , world

"If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: girls , love

"If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty."

— Marilyn Monroe

"When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them."

— Marilyn Monroe

"The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: love

"It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone."

— Marilyn Monroe

"Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: marilyn-monroe

"Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?"

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: humor , philosophy

"We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets."

— Marilyn Monroe

"This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, somg go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babve, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up becuase if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: best-friends , heartbreak , inspirational , life , love , sisters

"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: life-lessons

"Beneath the makeup and behind the smile I am just a girl who wishes for the world."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: girl , makeup , world

"She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that’s important—you know "

— Marilyn Monroe

"I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it."

— Marilyn Monroe (Marilyn: Her Life in Her Own Words)

"Who said nights were for sleep?"

— Marilyn Monroe

"The nicest thing for me is sleep, then at least I can dream."

— Marilyn Monroe

"All little girls should be told they are pretty, even if they aren't."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: beauty , girls

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: ambition , equality

"We are all of us stars, and we deserve to twinkle."

— Marilyn Monroe

"You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself."

— Marilyn Monroe

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: dirty , funny , logo , sex

"If I'd observed all the rules I'd never have got anywhere."

— Marilyn Monroe

"It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: feelings , not-alone

"I want to grow old without facelifts. I want to have the courage to be loyal to the face I have made."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: marilyn-monroe

"Success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn't that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without seeing envy in the eyes of those around you."

— Marilyn Monroe

"its better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what your not"

— Marilyn Monroe

"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: animals , dogs

"I don't want to make money, I just want to be wonderful."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: marilyn-monroe

"Sex is part of nature. I go along with nature."

— Marilyn Monroe

"I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: appearance , jokes , marilyn-monroe

"I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot!"

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: fashion

"I restore myself when I'm alone."

— Marilyn Monroe

"You never know what life is like, until you have lived it."

— Marilyn Monroe

"It's all make believe, isn't it?"

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: marilyn-monroe

"Diamonds are a girls best friend."

— Marilyn Monroe

"The body is meant to be seen, not all covered up."

— Marilyn Monroe

"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul. I know, because I turned down the first offer often enough and held out for the fifty cents."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: hollywood , kiss , soul

"I don't mind being burdened with being glamorous and sexual. Beauty and femininity are ageless and can't be contrived, and glamour, although the manufacturers won't like this, cannot be manufactured. Not real glamour; it's based on femininity."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: art , beauty , glamour , sexuality

"I'm very definitely a woman and I enjoy it. "

— Marilyn Monroe

"I used to think as I looked out on the Hollywood night — there must be thousands of girls sitting alone like me, dreaming of becoming a movie star. But I'm not going to worry about them. I'm dreaming the hardest."

— Marilyn Monroe

tags: ambition , dreams

"Keep smiling, because life is a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

— Marilyn Monroe

"If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?"

— Marilyn Monroe

"We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift."

— Marilyn Monroe