Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Dear Soon to be ex husband

A letter to my husband.  William Jamal Nelson

Dear Jamie,

It absolutely blows my mind the person you have become.  The person I met October 1999 was a kindhearted, selfless, determined, and who loved life.  The person you became has confused everyone.  You will make sure your way is gotten no matter who you step over, even your own mother.  Your children love the ground you walk on, especially your son, even to the point where as a mother, I'm not even respected.  You wouldn't know that feeling  because you swoop in for a couple of hours, quarterly and play daddy dearest.  But it is I that holds heads when you leave, answering questions about why you're not here, when are you coming.  You don't even call, but will post from your phone all day that you're bored on different social medias.  You'll text me and ask about them, and by them I mean Goose only, when you need to find something out from me.  By the way, you have 2 children.  Maybe you don't even realize that you rarely acknowledge Ciara's existence.  

Now there's no bitterness on my part.  Just anger.  The whirlwind of emotions you cause your son to go through comes out at me and I am powerless. I just stand confused sometimes because I look at you and it's like staring into the eyes of a stranger, not the man I knew. I gain strength in knowing we were almost homeless. You had already moved on in your life and had no plans of looking back.  You aren't even paying child support anymore, so for the 8th month in a row, my daughter is not home because I can't afford to put her in daycare and have no one that can watch her.  But do you care?  No.  I'm borrowing money from people to take care of these children to provide their basic needs such as clothes, food, school activites, and even sometimes bills.  I'm the one sacrificing and missing days for them.  I put off my entire life and at the age of 28 I am starting over and you have the fucking audacity to say you gave me your GI Bill as a favor?  To benift and better my life?  Man mother fuck you.  I sacrifice EVERYTHING for you, and if you think you will walk this earth believing that everything you have even accomplished was not for the support and love your family, and by family I mean me and your children, gave you and the sacrifices we gave, then good luck, lets see how you flourish now that I could give 2 shits and a half a fuck, thanks to my new payload.  But I do however thank you,  because I recognize bullshit in it's tracks now and I am smart enough not to ever make the same mistakes (you or your bullshit) again.  I have my confidence back, no one is constantly badgering me, lying to me, disrespecting me (in all ways), and ignoring me as if I don't even exist.  

Eventually these kids will forget about you.  I can't wait for that day.  Then the emotional turmoil will stop and maybe my children will respect me and love me the way they love you.  Till then, I have a lot of work to do.

Enjoy your life, I wish you well.

Stacy Nelson

To sum up the emotions in me....WOW. Part I

Currently listening to:  Lil Wayne ":Drop the World" (sorry guilty pleasure) and Adele "Rollin in the Deep"
And I don't mean WOW in a good way.
This is going to be a multi-series.  First I'll start with the background, or basis so to speak. Then I'll dig deeper.

Yep, you guessed it, still going through hell and back, inside and out.  I'm debating on making this post known or just a venting session for me.

I am a parent.  A parent of a 3 year old little girl, I'll call Turkey (thanksgiving birthday) and a 7 year old boy, I'll call Goose (christmas birthday).  Yes, not only did I manage to have kids on leap years (2004 & 2008) , but I managed to have them on holidays.  I sure don't enjoy holiday shopping because I have to squeeze in birthdays as well.

We will start at the top.  Monkey is a 1st grader at Pine Grove Elementary School (RCSD1)  in Columbia, SC.  He started their midway through preschool, transferring from North Charleston Elementary School in North Charleston, SC (who, through unknown criteria, was voted the 93rd worst school in the US) due to the family (myself, Goose, and Monkey moving due to my pending divorce from my husband of at the time, 6 years.  Key operative is pending).  Kindergarten, he missed alot days, a total of 36 days due to his asthma that basically went untreated for 5 years (Thank you, Tricare providers).  This school, about half of that with 18.  In kindergarten, we began to notice some problems, with concentration and retention of information.  To shed a little background, I was that naive person that didn't believe that ADD existed.  I scoffed (not out loud) when people talked about it and their medicinal regimines.  I thought people used it as an excuse.  Ok, back on track.  After the constant pressuring of my mother, I talked to his teacher about the possibility.  She said no.  Let us know that it seems to be laziness on his part (this is true. he has a tendancy to be lazy until it revolves around what he wants....a habit he unfortunately got honestly from his dad).  As he moved into 1st and continued pressure from my mom, I pressed the same question again.  Same traits from kindergarten, no concentration and no retention of information. The missed days from kindergarten were rearing their ugly heads.  On top of it all, he seems to have a speech develeopmental issues (due to undiagnosed enlarged tonsills that blocked 75% of his air way).  The teacher recommended getting him seen by a pediatrician due to the fact that we had two settings of the same behavior, home and school.  His pediatrician gave me the Vanderbilt forms to fill out, as well as his teacher.  We then set a appointment and his forms were scored by their answers.  The results were exactly what I feared, the diagnosis for ADD was set and entered into the system.  He was then prescribed Concerta-27mg (extended release tabs) and Klonidine for help with sleeping (which he doesn't have an issue with, so he's never taken it).  He had a 30 day follow-up appointment set.  Not too much improvement.  Still incredibly antsy.  Result of the follow-up?  Increase the medicine to 36mg.  Began to see a small difference, but I misplaced the medicine and he missed 2 days of it.  Now it's almost like I am back at square one.

On Monkey's first report card, it was mentioned that due to his issues in class, he is facing possible retention.  I hate to admit, but right now, half way into the school year, I do not think he is ready for 2nd grade and it breaks my heart.  Usually, the 7 year old in first grade gets look at only kind of funny because he stayed back once, even when its the case of a late birthday (like him).  But if he is retained, he will turn 8 in the 1st grade and to peers, it'll appear that he has stayed back two times.  My frustration plays to the front a lot with everything because homework is more than normal, everyday life, even more than a chore.  It's an ordeal.  He doesn't want to do it.  He doesn't want to sit still, he doesn't want to read or learn.  I get frustrated because he is extremely smart.  But, as stated in kindergarten, lazy.  It has taken up to 6 hours to do just 3 worksheets.  Simple worksheets.  This is everyday.  The ripple effect caused?  Any hopes of time management are thrown off.  Exhaustion on everyone.  Not to mention I have a second child.  Sometimes the homework time is moved later due to other obligations, such as my job, I play piano for my church, so I have rehearsals on Tuesdays evening.

I feel like I am losing control over everything.  Maybe it's because o the amount of other stressors I have, I may have run out of other emotions to show, so the only one left is the feeling of failure.  I feel as if I am failing as a mother.  Everyone can tell me not to worry and give me all the tips in the world to try but I can't shake the feeling in me.  I can't but worry when I see the news of the kids, particularly on medications such as Concerta, I worry about suicide.  These babies at ages of 9 and 10 hanging themselves and what not.  All kinds of thoughts run through my head.

I'm just venting, not looking for any advice.  I'll continue to find ways to make sure that everything goes the way it should, even if it's to anyone's chargrin.

Thanks for reading!